


mágoa (forgive me?)

by hyuckcurse



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Boy Band, Angst with a Happy Ending, Childhood Friends, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Minor Hendery, Minor Winwin, Minor Xiaojun, Minor YangYang, Misunderstandings, mention of anxiety (just a mention)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-24
Updated: 2019-12-24
Packaged: 2021-02-25 20:47:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21861676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hyuckcurse/pseuds/hyuckcurse
Summary: Renjun thought if he stayed away, he would not have to face his past anymore. But what happens when said past comes back to him, and he has no chance of running away again?
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Na Jaemin
Comments: 7
Kudos: 96
Collections: ’00 FIC FEST: ROUND ONE





	mágoa (forgive me?)

**Author's Note:**

> prompt #0022 
> 
> I tried to make the fic stay as close as it could to the prompt given, but it felt like a failure hhh. The homophobia and anxiety is very very subtle, but i feel like i should address it in the tag to avoid offending anybody >< i am sorry in advance if i did, please enjoy reading ^^
> 
> mágoa : to cause somebody grief

_“Injunnie, can you promise me something?”_

_“Hm?”_

_“Whenever one of us is in trouble, we will always have each other’s backs, alright? No matter what.”_

_“You have my promise, Nana, if I have yours.”_

_“You bet.”_

_But what does a 10 year old understand about breaking promises and the heartache that follows?_

***

“Renjun, meet Na Jaemin, the guitarist of Cherry Bomb. Jaemin, meet Renjun, the vocalist and songwriter of Highway to Heaven. Both of you will be working together for your upcoming album project.”

If Renjun wasn’t sitting on his chair, he would probably end up on the floor as soon as the name of the pink haired stranger was mentioned. _Na Jaemin._

“Renjun? You mean, _the_ Huang Renjun? Oh my god it is so nice to see you again after so long!” Jaemin called out, as if he had just scored something valuable. Renjun looked at him, dumbfounded, his face expressionless as he took in the fact that the person in front of him was indeed the one who had turned his back on him 7 years ago. He was debating whether to act as if he didn’t know Jaemin or to acknowledge the other. He chose the latter. 

"Hello Jaemin, nice to meet you too." Renjun smiled half-heartedly. He did not let Jaemin have the chance to continue talking to him by turning back to his work and continued doing song arrangements on his laptop. 

Jaemin was pulled away from his space to meet other members of the band. "Hey, I’m Donghyuck, the guitarist of the group.” Donghyuck greeted him, completely taking over Jaemin’s attention. Renjun heaved a heavy sigh as his heart was beating two times faster than usual. 

He was here. _Na Jaemin_ was here. His childhood friend, the only person Renjun couldn’t seem to lose feelings for. The very first one responsible for teaching him what heartbreaks and broken promises do to a person. 

Letting those thoughts sink in, Renjun didn't know what he should do.

"You were acting really weird in front of Jaemin back then, Injun" Donghyuck called him out when they were having dinner at their usual dining place. 

Renjun looked up from his food and focused on Donghyuck. “Weird? I don’t think so?”

Donghyuck frowned, putting down his spoon. “You were being weird. I mean, I know you are usually shy with new people but you were at another level of shy, more like awkward with Jaemin.” 

Renjun tried to find more excuses, but before he could even open his mouth to speak, Donghyuck beat him to it. “Nuh-uh, you can’t lie to me. I know something is up. Come on, Renjun, we’ve been friends for almost five years now. No secrets, remember?”

After giving Donghyuck’s plead some thought, Renjun shook his head. “It’s nothing, Hyuckie. I was just feeling off the whole time, so I guess I accidentally made it obvious in front of him.” Renjun smiled awkwardly before digging into his food, signaling that whatever conversation they were having had ended that instant. 

If he felt Donghyuck’s stare burn holes into him the whole dinner time, he just chose to ignore it. 

***

_No secrets, remember?_

Something sharply tugged at Renjun’s chest when he remembered Donghyuck’s words as he lay on his bed. Both him and Donghyuck had gone home right after dinner, Donghyuck claiming that he was exhausted and wanted to go to sleep early. Renjun bid him goodnight before he entered his room, changed his casual clothes into his soft pajamas and cleaned his face. 

It was true that Renjun and Donghyuck had been best friends since Renjun moved back to Korea after his studies in China five years ago, and that was why Donghyuck knew basically everything about him. His favourite food, his pet peeves, his way of handling of his emotions. Back when they had first met, Renjun was a reserved boy with a broken heart and betrayed trust. Donghyuck, on the other hand, was the epitome of sunshine and rainbows (literally), and he did all he could to help Renjun to come out of his shell. As Donghyuck had managed to put a smile on Renjun’s gloomy face and made him laugh again until his stomach ached, Renjun realised that Donghyuck was a keeper, and he decided that Donghyuck was all he could ask for in a friend. 

It was just that despite having promised each other that they would never keep anything from one another, there was this one gigantic and terrifying secret that he had kept silent from Donghyuck. The fact that the secret now _existed_ in the form of an actual human form brought a nasty taste to the back of Renjun’s throat. It took everything inside of him to stop himself from telling Donghyuck who Jaemin was to him, realising the consequences that it would bring. 

Renjun sighed before he climbed out of his bed and opened the door to his wardrobe. He searched past the folded clothes that he had placed at the floor of the wardrobe for the item that he had kept hidden for a long time. His hand touched a solid item, and with a heavy heart, he pulled it out from the stacks of clothes. 

There it was in his hand, a faded violet-coloured, round-shaped box that held all of his memories, pain and sorrow. Renjun pulled the lid open and took out all of the content. They were pictures of him and Jaemin back when they were kids, letters they had exchanged throughout the years they had been friends and the wrinkled candy wrapper that was the very first form of gift Jaemin gave to Renjun when they first met. 

_The weather was chilly despite the sun standing high in the sky, and 5 year old Renjun was with his mother at the park for their evening walk. His mother sat on one of the benches near the sandbox that Renjun was playing in, keeping a safe eye on her son while enjoying her cup of latte and reading her novel._

_Renjun was so focused on creating his sandcastle when a shadow loomed over his construction, pulling him out of his concentration. In front of him was a boy, probably around his age, clad in shorts and a t-shirt, with a big goofy smile on his face and an outstretched palm for Renjun to shake. “Hello! My name is Nana, what’s your name?”_

_Now, Renjun was a boy well known for his obedience to his parents, so instead of answering the stranger, he looked over to his mother. To his surprise, his mother was looking at him with another woman next to her, as if giving him approval that the boy in front of him was safe to be talked to._

_“I am Injun.” Renjun answered timidly and took Nana’s hand in his. Nana smiled wider, before taking place next to Renjun in the sandbox. Renjun found out that the boy had just moved into their neighbourhood from Germany, and despite his thick German accent, Nana was very fluent in Korean (he said it was because his mummy made sure he didn’t forget his second native language). They will be attending the same kindergarten, and that Nana was glad he had a new friend to talk to in the foreign country._

_“Injun, take this.” Nana gave him a sweet with the word ‘peach flavoured’ written on it. Renjun gladly took it, peeling open the wrapping before popping it into his mouth._

_Nana looked at him with fascination, and Renjun called him out for it. “What?”_

_“Since you ate the sweets I gave you, does that mean we are friends now? Mummy said if someone accepts my sweets, that means they are willing to be my friend!” Nana explained excitedly with a wide smile on his face, making Renjun smiled back with just the same amount of fascination._

_“Of course we are friends, Nana! Don’t worry, we can be friends for as long as you will share your sweets with me!”_

_“Deal!”_

Renjun smiled widely as the flashback of his first meeting with Jaemin played in his mind, but slowly, his lips quivered and he realised that he had been holding back his tears. He laughed, feeling like a fool for remembering the moment again. His tears rolled down his cheeks, little by little before he was crying harder and harder. 

Renjun clutched the box into his chest, feeling all the pain he had tried to bury deep in him for the past five years start to resurface again. The image of Jaemin from their meeting before appeared at the back of his mind, and Renjun laughed despite his tears because knew that he was fucked up. _That he still couldn’t forget and still couldn’t move on from loving his childhood best friend who was now his walking nightmare._

That night, Renjun fell asleep with tear-streaked cheeks and a heart heavy with dread and pain.

***

The next morning, everything started off as a blur for Renjun. He woke up to Donghyuck shaking his body vigorously and questioning Renjun as to why was he sleeping on the floor, eyes puffy and cuddling a box. Renjun ignored him, threw Donghyuck out of his room (not without a shout from Donghyuck saying, “Hurry up, you ass! The breakfast is gonna be cold by the time you are finished with your shower!”), carefully placed the box deep inside his wardrobe and took his time to get ready for the day. 

“Are you really okay, Injunnie?” Donghyuck asked him as they had both climbed into the backseat of their car. Renjun pulled his attention away from the outside surrounding and nodded his head to his bandmate. Renjun took out his airpods from his backpack and put them on, blasted music using his Spotify to drown out anymore question from the other. 

Donghyuck looked at him with a frown on his face, questioning everything he saw. Renjun would usually be talking his ears off about whatever new inspiration he had the night before, especially when there are new projects coming up that require the lyrical genius in Renjun to emerge from within. But from the way Renjun woke up late this morning, a downturned lips on his face instead of his usual child-like smile and standing a little bit smaller than normal, he knew that this Renjun wasn’t going to be easy to confront. 

They arrived at their recording studio 15 minutes after, greeting their bandmates who had arrived earlier than them. Renjun went straight into his own room and took a seat in front of his laptop. He took a deep breath and leaned back in his chair. 

Renjun didn’t know what he was actually feeling. He didn’t know if he was disappointed that Jaemin acted like nothing happened between them, or happy that Jaemin even remembered him after not being in contact for the past seven years. Did Jaemin really forget what had happened? Or was Jaemin was just acting like nothing happened to torture him? 

_Oh lord, why do you put me through this?_ Renjun questioned quietly, before hitting his forehead on the table. It hurt him, no shit, but Renjun could not care less about it when his self-suffering was interrupted by a knock on the door. 

“Come in” Renjun said after making sure his forehead wasn’t bruising too bad. A door opened, and a head popped in through the small opening. It was Chenle, flashing his signature grin before entering the room. “You okay there, hyung?” Chenle asked as he made his way to the small couch situated at the corner of the room. 

“Terrific, why’d you ask?” 

“I don’t know, Hyuckie hyung said you weren’t being yourself today.”

Renjun lifted his eyebrow at the question. “What does he mean _I’m not being myself today_?” 

Chenle gave him a shrug. “Well, first of all, you went straight into your room as soon as you arrived. You didn’t bother sitting with us in the hall room for donuts even though the manager bought your favourite. Donghyuck hyung also said you were not talkative enough about your inspirations for the upcoming project.”

Renjun was indeed surprised that Donghyuck was able to point out everything wrong with him this morning, but who was he kidding? Donghyuck and him had been attached at the hip ever since they both got into the label for a band. 

“So, you want to tell me what’s up?” Renjun looked over at the younger sitting opposite him, the only other Chinese member in the band aside from him. Other than Donghyuck, Chenle held a lot of his secrets that not many knew about. It was so much easier to talk to him, considering both of them shared the same origin and ancestors. Whenever things get rough, Renjun would instantly talk to Chenle in Chinese because sometimes it was difficult for him to form words in Korean. 

“It is nothing, Lele. I was just tired, so I guess that's why I was pretty out of it the whole morning.”

Chenle looked at him judgingly, but knowing Renjun, he decided not to push the issue any further. If Renjun wanted to talk, he would talk. For now, all that Chenle was gonna do was to lay low and be by his side when he needed it. 

“If that’s so, let’s go and eat your donut before Jisung finishes it.”

“Oh no he didn’t.” Renjun immediately got up from his chair before he raced out of the door, with Chenle on his heels. “Park Jisung, you better not eat my donut, you big ass giant!” Renjun shrieked, before hearing a reply from Jisung, “Come and get it then, you small human!”

“How dare you- YAH!”

***

The day went on as usual, Renjun continued working on the new song arrangement for the band’s upcoming comeback. It was going really well until his manager told him that their collaborators were coming to talk about their project. 

“All the members are coming this time, so use this opportunity to discuss with them what you guys want to do for the project.” All of them were gathered in the meeting room, waiting patiently for the guests to arrive. Donghyuck, Jisung and Chenle played around with each other, their laughs filled the room. Renjun on the other hand chose to stay on his phone, secretly browsing through articles about Jaemin, reading news about him that Renjun had avoided for the past years. Everything written in the article was nothing new to him as he had known the other since they were little.

Except one. An article stated that Jaemin had admitted of being gay, and didn’t hide the fact that he had dated a few men before, but the relationships never lasted more than a month. Knowing Jaemin, he would never date for fun. Jaemin had told him before that he dates to marry, and he would wait for the right person, even if it took him a long time. 

Renjun’s train of thoughts came to a halt when someone nudged his arm. He looked up from his phone, and he saw Jaemin and three other unknown men standing at the front of the room. All of them exchanged greetings, and Renjun now knew that the strangers were Mark, Lucas and Jeno. As Jeno was introducing himself, Renjun caught Jaemin’s eyes, and the other gave him a smile that Renjun knew too well. It was a smile designated only for him, but this time there was something else that was laced with it. 

Regret and remorse. Renjun was sure of that, but he chose to ignore it and turned his gaze back to Jeno. Their group discussion started after the introduction ended, and both songwriters from each band, Renjun and Mark presented the songs that they had already arranged. All of them listened to the demo and gave their thoughts on it. Since both bands had different concepts, Cherry Bomb using a bad boy image, while Highway to Heaven had a more innocent concept, they decided to combine both of them. This was to ensure that their identities remained and not to give their fans too much of a shock when they release their albums. 

Both bands were given a lunch break, and they used the time to get to know each other more. Turned out, Lucas was also from China, just like Renjun and Chenle, and the three of them did not hesitate to jump straight into a full conversation in Chinese. Renjun had a good laugh listening to Lucas’ accent, and he was indeed glad that he and Chenle had made a new Chinese friend. 

“Hi Injun.” Jaemin greeted him when they were both throwing out their containers. Renjun stilled for a moment before he forced out a smile and small hi to the other. Being this close to Jaemin was never something he saw coming in a million years, thus he didn’t know how to properly react with him around. 

“How have you been?” Jaemin tried to break the silence.

“Well, you saw me yesterday. I am fine.”

Jaemin let out a small laugh. “Yeah true, but you know what I mean, Renjun. How have you been for the past 7 years?”

That was all it took for Renjun to ditch Jaemin and went back to the group. He knew it was rude of him to leave, but if he were to stay there any longer, he might as well donate his soul to the devil. 

“You okay? You’re acting as if you just saw a ghost.” Jisung called him out. 

“Yeah, maybe I did.” Renjun said, ignoring Jaemin who just took his seat opposite of him. 

Their meeting continued for the next few hours, talking about what their album name should be, when should they start song recordings and when the album should be released. Once all the decisions were made, they bid goodbye before the Cherry Bomb members took their ride home. 

As they left, he felt Jaemin’s intense stare on him, but he ignored it completely.

***

“Just a heads up, Jaemin asked me for your number before they left this evening and I gave it to him.” Donghyuck said when they both were getting ready to go home. 

Renjun halted his movement, his face contorting in surprise. “You’re joking?”

“No, I’m not? He said something about catching up with you? Do you know him?” 

Renjun sighed. “Yeah, he is my childhood friend.”

“Oh really? Why didn’t you tell me? Oh my, so that means I can ask him how you were like in high school!” Renjun’s eyes widen, and he tugged at Donghyuck’s sleeves. “No, absolutely not. Don’t you ever ask him anything about my high school life. Please, Donghyuck.” Renjun pleaded, his voice filled with urgency that made Donghyuck think twice about doing so.

“But why?” Donghyuck asked as they both got into their van. “Because… Jaemin and I are not that close to each other? So it would be very awkward for him to answer your questions about me?”

“Well, he seemed like he was eager to catch up with you again, so I don’t think that is anywhere close to being awkward with you?” 

“Well I do feel awkward with him, so can we please drop the subject?” Renjun wasn’t having Donghyuck asking any more questions about Jaemin. 

“Fine.” Donghyuck gave him a short reply and plugged in his airpods. Silence enveloped them, and it sure was the longest car ride back to their place without their usual banters. 

A notification came up on Renjun’s phone, pulling his attention from the scenery outside. It was from an unknown number.

_From : xxx-xxx-xxxx_

_Hi Injun. This is Jaemin! I hope it really is you or else I will have to talk with Donghyuck about this hahah ><_

Renjun closed the messaging app before turning his head to Donghyuck. 

“Listen, Hyuckie." Renjun called out for the other's attention. "It’s not that I don’t want you to ask things about me from Jaemin, but you see, Jaemin and I haven’t talked to each other for a really long time and I don’t want to make things awkward between me and him, especially when we both have to work on a project together.” Renjun cleared his throat, he knew such reason wouldn’t be able to stop Donghyuck from questioning him, but that was all he could come up with. 

Donghyuck was silent for a moment, weighing in Renjun's reasoning. "But why did you guys stop talking?"

"We stopped talking after I went to China, distance and school reasons. We just never contacted each other." Which wasn't really a lie because Renjun absolutely didn't even try to contact the other for the past seven years. "So yeah, we drifted apart because of that." 

"But I really want to know how you were like growing up." Donghyuck did his signature pout, knowing so well it was one of Renjun's weaknesses. 

Renjun frowned as he stared at the other. "There won’t be a way for me to stop you from asking him about it right?" 

"Nuh-uh." 

Renjun sighed and leaned back against his car seat. "Fine, you may ask him about it but do not go anywhere near the topic about us drifting apart. Got it?" 

Then there it was, Donghyuck's pout was replaced with his usual smile whenever he won something. "Yes! Thank you Injunnie, I will ask him everything about you but not about why you guys drifted." Donghyuck held his hand tight, before kissing it. 

"Oh my god, get away from me." Renjun pushed him away and let out a laugh. He really didn't believe he would lose to Donghyuck, but as long as his best friend knew not to cross the line, he was fine with it.

***

_From : xxx-xxx-xxxx_

_I texted Donghyuck again, and he assured me that this is Huang Renjun's number. If you really are Renjun, could you please reply to this? T^T_

Renjun stared at his phone screen, reading the message from Jaemin again and again. His texting style was still the same, he still used those emojis Renjun deemed stupid (they are cute only if used by Jaemin). He had left the other on read since his first message, so to leave him again for the second time would make it look like he was being really rude to someone who was just trying to talk to him. He also wasn't able to lie to the other saying that it wasn't his number, since Jaemin already asked Donghyuck for confirmation. 

With a heavy heart, Renjun started to type out his message. 

_To : xxx-xxx-xxxx_

_Hi, yes this is Renjun. Sorry for the late reply._

Just a few moments later, he received a reply back. 

_From : xxx-xxx-xxxx_

_Ah I'm glad then!!_

_It has been a long time since we talked T^T_

_How have you been? How are Mr and Mrs Huang?_

It was difficult for Renjun to accept that Jaemin was around, so it was definitely so much harder to have him ask questions about himself as if nothing happened between them. 

_To : xxx-xxx-xxxx_

_They are good, I am good. You saw me today._

_It is getting late, I’m going to bed._

_Good night._

Renjun knew the reply was cold, and he hoped it did worked to get Jaemin to stop texting him. 

_From : xxx-xxx-xxxx_

_Ah, I am sorry to disturb you : <_

_Good night Injun!_

_Sleep well :)_

Renjun tossed his phone to the side and lay down on his back on the bed. Jaemin was really messing him up and he definitely didn’t appreciate it. So why was his heart beating so fast as he thought about Jaemin being his usual self around him?

***

If it was up to Renjun, Donghyuck would end up getting kicked in the ass for what he did. Ever since Jaemin got his hands on Renjun’s number almost a month ago, the other couldn’t and wouldn’t stop texting him whenever he had the time. He would ask him anything about his daily life, what was he doing, has he eaten, or whether he had gotten enough sleep. Renjun being Renjun, he only replied to the ones he thought were important. It was usually just Jaemin talking to himself. 

"Injun-ah, why won’t you answer my texts?" Jaemin asked in pout as he took his seat in front of him. Both bands were scheduled to meet today for their songs recording, and the others hadn’t arrived to the studio yet. Jaemin mentioned that he came in his own car, so his other bandmates were still at their dorm. 

"I was busy." Renjun gave him a short reply. 

"But Donghyuck said you were watching a movie the whole night" 

"Then I was busy watching a movie" 

"Okay true. I remember that you don't like other people disturbing you when you are watching a movie." Jaemin said with a small smile on his face, as if he had just gotten a solution over a problem. Renjun doesn’t care, and continues to read the printed lyrics given by his manager. 

"Injun, will you go out for coffee with me?" Renjun stopped reading the lyrics, looking up at the other. Jaemin was looking at him with really high hopes in his eyes and if it was up to 16-year-old Renjun who missed his best friend, he would have faltered. But he was a grown up now, and he wouldn't want to take any chance of getting hurt again. 

"No, Jaemin." 

"But please, Injun? Just like old times?"

“I’m sorry but I’m really busy, so if you could please stop talking, I really need to memorise these lyrics for today's recording"

Jaemin's shoulders slumped. He mumbled a small okay before playing with his phone. But just a few moments later, Renjun's phone dinged, signalling him there was a notification. 

_From : Jaemin (?)_

_Okay but how about coffee after the recording?_

Renjun looked up from his phone and caught Jaemin pleading at him with his big eyes. 

"Still no."

If there was a sulking dog next to Jaemin, they would both look just the same but Renjun ignored it anyway. Now was not the time for the walls of protection he built around him to be destroyed, especially for the same person who made him built it.

***

To Renjun's disappointment (but he was definitely not surprised), Jaemin did not only kept on texting him, he also wouldn't stop asking Renjun out for coffee. 

"Why is your phone ringing so much?" Donghyuck asked him when they were both inside Donghyuck's room one night. They were looking through the songs they have agreed to put into the album and eating midnight snacks. 

"Its Jaemin again, I think."

"What does he want? He’s not being weird, is he?" 

"No, he is just trying to get me to go for coffee with him, and he is not taking a no." Renjun took a bite of his spicy rice cake. 

"But why? He seems really adamant to go with you." 

"I just don't feel like it." 

"Because of your past, is it?"

Renjun nodded. It would always be because of what happened in the past. 

"Can't you let go of the past for once, Injunnie? You guys only drifted apart, not like you got into a big fight? Don't you want to have your best friend back?" 

Of course Renjun wanted his best friend back. That’s what Jaemin had been first, and had continued to be first and foremost even when he’d become Renjun’s crush. They had grown up together, they’d known each other better than anybody else. He knew that Jaemin disliked strawberry flavours, which is why only Jaemin had gotten a mango yogurt during one of their band practices. Jaemin knew that Renjun disliked bitter coffee, hence the reason why Renjun had gotten a sweet latte when they stayed behind at the studio.

But everything was blurred beyond that incident. Renjun could never forget how it had made it difficult for him to stand in front of a big crowd, how it had made him lose sleep at night and how it had made it difficult for Renjun to trust people. The only reason why Renjun was able to perform in front of his fans was because of Donghyuck and his prescribed meds. Donghyuck was the person who had helped him go through everything ever since he came back to Korea from China. It had taken Donghyuck two years to gain his trust and almost three years to help him get through his fear of being around new people. 

"Do you really think I should give Jaemin a chance?" Renjun asked Donghyuck who was lying on his stomach on the floor. Donghyuck tilted his head upward so that he could look at Renjun properly. 

"Yes. Talk to him, Injun, be friends with him again. If you still think it’s awkward even after spending the day with him, then tell him properly so that it won’t harm our working environment." 

Renjun let out a sigh before reaching out for his phone. He opened the messaging app, clicked on Jaemin's contact and started typing out a message.

_To : Jaemin (?)_

_Hi. Does the coffee offer still stand?_

And true to Donghyuck's words, Jaemin was eager and replied not a few seconds later. 

_From : Jaemin (?)_

_Oh my god, hi!_

_Yes, yes, the offer still stands!_

_Is tomorrow at 3pm okay? Since we both have the day off._

_To : Jaemin (?)_

_Yeah sure._

_Is the Suhnny cafe near the studio okay with you?_

_From : Jaemin (?)_

_Yes, definitely okay!_

_Thank you so much Injunnie ^^_

_To : Jaemin (?)_

_You're welcome._

"Let me see!" Donghyuck extended his arms, making grabby hands for Renjun's phone. Renjun handed him the phone for him to read and was met with a proud expression and a thumbs up from Donghyuck. 

"Just once, right? If I’m not comfortable with it, I can just stop talking to him outside of work?" 

Donghyuck nodded eagerly. “Yes, just once.”

***

It was finally the next day, and Renjun was fidgeting in his chair, biting his nails. He had chosen a table next to a window but a little hidden from other customers to not attract attention. It was five minutes to 3pm and anytime soon Jaemin would walk in and Renjun would have to confront him. 

The bell above the entrance of the cafe rung, stealing Renjun’s attention. Jaemin entered the cafe with a face mask and sunglasses. Jaemin looked around to find where Renjun was sitting, and when he managed to spot the other, Jaemin walked as fast as he could to him. 

“Hey, sorry for being late.” Jaemin said as soon as he sat down. 

“Its fine, I just got here.” Renjun gave him a small smile. 

“Have you ordered anything?” Renjun shook his head. “I will go and get us the usual then.” Jaemin smiled before walking towards the order counter.

Renjun leaned back, letting out a breath he didn’t know he was holding in. _Be calm, Injun. Nothing is going to happen to you. You can just leave if you want._ But the problem was, Renjun didn’t want to leave. He wanted to be there, to catch up with Jaemin and be friends again with him. 

“Hey, here you go, just like how you used to like.” Jaemin handed Renjun his drink, chocolate milkshake with whipped cream and a spoonful of chocolate sprinkles. The usual drink Renjun would order whenever they hung out after school. 

"You still remember," Renjun muttered slowly, but was loud enough for Jaemin to catch him. "Of course I do, Injun. I never forget." Jaemin smiled at him. 

They were silent again. Jaemin played with his fingers under the table while Renjun looked out the window, admiring the people walking by. Upon hearing Jaemin clearing his throat, Renjun looked back at him and waited for him to talk. 

"How have you been, Renjun? For the past seven years, I mean." 

"I have been fine." _I struggled with so many insecurities and sometimes I forgot to breathe._

"You don't have to lie to me, Renjun. I know you." 

Renjun kept quiet, unsure of what was he supposed to say. 

"Look, as much as I want to have coffee with you and talk like how we used to, I can't just ignore the elephant in the room. You left me just like that, and I know it was my fault. I am sorry for what happened back in high school. I shouldn't have let them pick at you and as your best friend I was supposed to stand up for you." Renjun signalled for him to continue talking. "I know I am nowhere near deserving of your forgiveness, but I would still like to ask for it. I want to make up for the past seven years I have lost. I promise I will do better this time. And I really miss my best friend." 

Renjun took his time processing Jaemin's words. Part of him wanted to forgive Jaemin right away, but another part of him knew that he wasn't supposed to give in that easily. He had worked so hard to be who he was today, and an apology wasn't supposed to be enough. 

"What happened really did put me in a hard place, Jaemin. You made me have trust issues and it is really difficult for me to accept your apology just like that." At that, Jaemin nodded, his body posture slouching. 

"But maybe we can give it a try? Slowly of course.” If Jaemin was a dog, Renjun was sure that he could see that his ears perked up. “I really wish we never would have gotten into that fight. You know how I get awkward after a fallout with someone. But like you said, I miss my best friend too, so yes, I am willing to give us another chance.”

Jaemin reached out for his hand on the table, and held it tight. “Thank you so much, Injunnie. I will try my best to make us work. If you feel like it’s too much for you, please do tell me, I will try to make things better." Jaemin flashed Renjun a warm smile that managed to make Renjun feel bubbly inside. 

"Okay seriously, how have you been for the past seven years? Aside from being an idol, I mean." 

Renjun took a sip from his chocolate milkshake before answering. "Like I said before, it was difficult. I had to go to counselling, stay on medications. Since mum and dad stayed behind in Korea while I went to China, I just did everything on my own. Well not really on my own, my roommate, Yangyang was the one who got me to meet a professional there. I also had my friends, Xiaojun, Hendery and Winwin ge taking care of me when things were not right. They pretty much became my family when I was in China.

“Then when I came back from China, I met Donghyuck when I went to a convenience store this one night. We bonded over soda and chips and since then we just kinda vibed together. He worked pretty hard to obtain my trust though. He would come with me for my appointments and kinda did everything my friends in China did. Then he came up with this really stupid idea, which was to go auditioning for this one band. I was like, are you dumb or something? He did laugh, but he still insisted for me to go, since we both like singing. I asked my doctor if I should, then she said yes, said something about how it would help me with my anxiety. We did the audition, we got in and the label took my disorder really seriously. They made sure that I was really in my best condition to debut, so here I am.”

As soon as Renjun finished talking, he saw the way Jaemin was looking at him. The gaze he had on him was as if Renjun had put the stars in his eyes, they were sparkling so bright. Renjun felt his face heat up, and he cleared his throat to get Jaemin out of his trance. 

Jaemin realised that he was indeed caught red handed staring at Renjun, so he scrambled to form words. “I am really sorry for making you go through the struggle, but at the same time, I am grateful that you managed to meet people who were able to treat you better than I did.” Jaemin smiled regretfully, but Renjun shook his head. 

“We were both young back then. If you’d backed me up, they might have bullied you, too.”

“Well, it wasn’t easy either not having you around. I almost lost my scholarship because I flunked my finals. I couldn’t forgive myself at all when your mum told me that you’d left for China. I really thought I would never be able to talk to you again since you blocked me everywhere on social media. Then I found out that you are in a band when I was a trainee, so I worked hard to get where I am now and when the company asked if we had any band that we would like to collab with, I quickly told them about you guys.” 

Both of them fell silent again, taking in the new information slowly. It was a lot to take in, but it was a start. 

“Also, it was a big trouble for me back in high school because I had nobody to study with, nobody to copy my homework from, nobody to walk home with me.” Jaemin joked, which made Renjun threw a piece of tissue at him. “I knew it, you always used me back then.”

Both of them laughed as they recalled their high school memories. They spent some more time together to catch up on each other, only this time, Renjun felt much more at ease being around Jaemin again. 

That night, Donghyuck was all over Renjun about the meet up. Donghyuck heaved a relieved sigh when Renjun said that he would continue being friends with Jaemin, and credited himself for making them friends again. In the midst of Donghyuck talking Renjun’s ears off about Jaemin’s bandmate, he received a message from Jaemin. 

_From : Jaemin_

_Thanks for today Injunnie, for allowing me to have coffee with you._

_And thank you so much again for giving me a second chance :)_

_Good night Injun_

Needless to say, Renjun slept soundly that night, his heart filled with love and happiness.

***

Renjun couldn’t stop smiling the whole time he had breakfast, and he couldn’t stop typing on his phone either. Donghyuck was definitely not happy when his usual morning rant was ignored completely by Renjun just to laugh at what the person on the other side of the phone had sent him.

“Alright, Huang Renjun. I know I was the one who made you and Jaemin become friends again, but could you please pay attention to me when I am talking?” Donghyuck called him out, which made Renjun quickly shut off his phone and putting it away. 

“That was not Jaemin.” Renjun said, his ears turning beat red. 

Donghyuck rolled his eyes and continued spooning food into his mouth. “Not Jaemin, my ass.” Donghyuck muttered under his breath.

“What were you talking about, again?” Renjun asked and earned a groan from the other. 

“I was saying that you have this whipped look on your face whenever Jaemin texts you.”

“No I don’t!”

“Yes you do!”

“I don-” Renjun was cut off because of the incoming notification, which made him scrambled to get his phone. Donghyuck shook his head, and mouthed _whipped_ at him.

Renjun rolled his eyes and pulled up the message from Jaemin. 

_From : Jaemin_

_Istg he wouldn’t stop talking about Donghyuck either! Now he is whining about how good Donghyuck sounds when he sings_

_How did you shut Donghyuck up? I need help with this guy too_

_Whatever it is, I have to go :(_

_See you later, Injun ;)_

_To : Jaemin_

_You really think I have the power to stop THE Lee Donghyuck?_

_I really don’t_

_See you soon, Jaem._

***

“Is it just me, or did Renjun hyung and Jaemin hyung just suddenly get closer?” Jisung questioned the group when they were having dinner together. It was a weekly thing for them to do since Donghyuck said it would be great for their dynamic. 

Both Jisung and Chenle turned their heads towards the older, eyes sparkling as they waited for a confirmation. “Jaemin and I were childhood friends, something happened between us that made us grew apart but we talked it out a few days ago.” Renjun explained to the boys calmly, which earned a surprised gasp from them. 

“So is that why you didn’t mind Jaemin hyung tagging along behind you wherever you go or playing with your hands all the time?” 

“Yeah, Jaemin has always been the clingy one between both of us. I kinda got used to it over the years.”

“So does that mean I can be clingy with you also?” Donghyuck teased him. 

“Not in a million years, Lee Donghyuck.”

***

It was in the middle of a rainy night filled with thunder that Renjun woke up to his phone ringing. His hand wandered around blindly in the dark for his phone that was lost in his blanket. He was eager to reject the call but when he saw Jaemin’s name as the caller, he picked up in a heartbeat. 

“Jaemin?”

_“Hey, Injunnie.”_

“Are you okay?” Renjun heard Jaemin shifting around on the other side of the phone. 

_“Yeah, I just-”_ A thunder struck the earth. _“Okay, I was just trying to act tough but I am actually really scared right now because of, you know, thunder.”_

Renjun knew he shouldn’t be laughing but he really couldn’t help it. 

_“You really are a meanie, Injunnie. I am really scared of it”_

Renjun laughed some more before continued talking. “Okay okay, sorry. I am not laughing at your fear, Nana. I was laughing at your big boy act.”

 _“You called me Nana again. I missed that.”_ Renjun felt his heart skip a beat as he heard Jaemin laughing.

 _“But again, I just didn’t want you to think I am a baby for being afraid of the thunder.”_ Renjun was so sure the other was pouting as he whined. 

“Stupid. We have known each other since we were kids, Jaem. I will always know that you are a baby when it comes to times like this.” 

_“Really?”_

“Yes, really. Now, why are you bothering me at- ” Renjun pulled his phone away from his ear to look at the time. “At 2 in the morning?”

_“Sing me a song, please?”_

“Why should I?”

_“You always make me feel better with your singing and I am not letting you off the hook until you do, Injunnie.”_

“Demanding as always, huh, Mr. Na?”

_“Only with you, Mr. Huang.”_

Renjun let out a laugh again, but he granted Jaemin’s wish anyway. He sang their favourite song, Lay Your Head on Me by Crush using his soft, comforting voice to distract Jaemin from his fear. It was close to the end of the song when he heard Jaemin’s breathing evened out. 

“Good night, Nana.” _I love you._

Renjun wanted to say it out loud, but he knew it was too early into their friendship for this kind of feeling. He ended the call instead and tried to go back to sleep.

***

Renjun didn’t understand what he was feeling. It was some sort of fear, an insecurity he couldn’t put away. It had been bugging him for some time, he knew the reason for it but he didn’t want to admit it. His computer screen displaying his composition had been staring at him for the past 30 minutes, but his mind was somewhere else. 

“Injunnie~” Jaemin called him out before hugging him from the back. “I finally found you.” 

Both bands were scheduled to practice together that day, their comeback date approaching really fast. Renjun had been inside his studio since morning, trying to work on his vocal alone without any disturbance.

“Hello Nana.” Renjun patted Jaemin’s arms around him before pulling out of the embrace. Jaemin stood up straight, his sweet, bright smile proudly on display as Renjun turned around to face him. 

“You ready for practice?” Jaemin held out his hand for Renjun to take, and Renjun gladly held it, feeling their hands fit into each other. Jaemin pulled him out of the chair before both of them made their way to the practice room. It was normal for them to hold hands back in high school, most of the time it was Jaemin who initiated it. 

So why was Renjun so anxious about it? Jaemin had always been someone who was open with his affections for people. For the past few months of them being friends again, Renjun knew Jaemin was clingy with the others, but not exactly as clingy as he was with Renjun. This was the problem he had been going through. Jaemin showing him affections. Jaemin had been making it difficult for him to breathe or think when he was around Renjun, considering that Renjun still had feelings for him.

He was afraid that he was going to misunderstand Jaemin’s kindness towards him. What if Jaemin didn’t have feelings for him in the slightest? What if Jaemin just wanted him back as his best friend, nothing more, nothing less? What if Jaemin already had someone he had been crushing on, and poor Renjun had to watch the love of his life get together with the person? What if- 

“Renjun? Are you listening to me?” Jaemin snapped his fingers in front of Renjun’s face when he realised Renjun wasn’t listening to him. 

Renjun looked at him, his face confused. “You were saying?”

“I was talking about my problem and you weren’t even listening? I am hurt, Injunnie.” Jaemin said as his lips turned into a pout. “N-no, I was just thinking about something. I’m sorry. What was it that you were saying?” 

Jaemin sighed. “I was asking you if you have any ideas for a romantic spot to confess. I was thinking about asking someone out for a date.”

That made Renjun stopped walking. ‘ _Jaemin wants to ask someone out for a date and he is asking me, someone who has been in love with him since I was 14? He is definitely kidding, right?’_ Renjun thought. 

“Injunnie~” Jaemin tugged at their intertwined hands, requesting an answer from the older. 

“I-I am not sure about that, Jaemin. Maybe you can ask Donghyuck? Or the others?” Renjun came up with an excuse while he let go of Jaemin’s hand. He smiled bitterly before walking faster towards the practice room. Jaemin on the other hand, was surprised to see Renjun leaving him behind. 

“Come on, Jaemin. They are waiting for us.” 

As soon as Renjun stepped into the practice room, he tried to push away the sound of his heart breaking, and tried to keep his composure steady so that it didn’t ruin the practice environment. He had a job to do, and he wasn’t going to let his disappointment over his love life destroy it for the second time.

***

Ever since Renjun found out that Jaemin had been harboring a crush on someone, he had been stuck hearing Jaemin talk about the person all the time. Jaemin kept on saying that his crush was someone really tiny that he could easily hug, that his crush was someone who would get really shy whenever Jaemin complimented him, that his crush was a really talented person when it came to words. All Renjun could do was smile and act as if he was interested in it, silently hoping that Jaemin was talking about him instead of some unknown person Renjun has grown to be jealous of. 

Therefore, in order to stop himself from wishing over things he knew were impossible to happen, Renjun took the easy way out; keeping a distance from Jaemin. Renjun really wished that he wouldn’t have to do so because he only just got his best friend back, but what can he do? He was just a guy helplessly in love with said best friend. 

Renjun kept his distance from Jaemin by brushing off Jaemin's affection towards him, he kept himself busy whenever Jaemin was around him and rejected Jaemin's offer to hang out together a few times, saying that he was busy with stuff. 

It happened a few times but Jaemin didn't give up. He tried to gain Renjun's attention again and again even if he was confused as to why was Renjun acting that way. He knew Renjun, and Jaemin wasn't going to stop without putting up a fight. 

"Renjun, could you please talk to me?" Jaemin pleaded when they were both in Renjun's studio. He had been trying to get Renjun to be alone with him for a few times that day, but the older wasn't going to let him. Renjun gave him thousands of stupid excuses before, but this time, Jaemin wasn't going to let him out of the studio until they talked the problem out. 

"We have nothing to talk about, Jaemin." Renjun's tone was cold, but Jaemin ignored it. 

"We do, Renjun. You have been ignoring me for the past few weeks and I am getting really tired of it. I don't know what I have done to you, and we promised that we will talk things out if we want to make this friendship work. Now tell me, Huang Renjun. What is the problem?"

"There is no problem, Jaemin. I’m just tired."

"That is literal bullshit, Renjun. I have known you for almost all my life and I know you wouldn't do this kind of shit without a reason. Tell me why you’ve been ghosting me all this time!"

Renjun slammed his book on the table, his hands curled into a fist. "You want to know why I have been ghosting on you, Jaemin? Because you are so fucking annoying, Na. I am so tired of your clingy ass and if I were to hear another 'injunnie~' from you, I will have to rip my hair off my head. And how does it feel being ghosted on, huh? That is how I felt seven years ago, Jaemin. Stop acting like you are my best friend again, I am tired of hearing you whine about your crush too. We are not friends, we are just two people who have to work together for money. That is all." 

Renjun didn't realise what he was saying until he saw Jaemin's face. Jaemin had a mix of emotions on him, but the most prominent one was betrayal. "Nana, I…"

"No, you have said enough. Thank you for your explanation, Renjun-ssi." Renjun flinched at Jaemin's formality. "I'm going to take my leave first, then." 

Jaemin opened the door and walked out, closing the door softly behind him. Renjun felt his legs go jelly before he slumped against his chair. He cried his heart out, regret filling up his heart. 

He lost Jaemin again, but this time, it was his own fault.

***

It had been two weeks since Jaemin and Renjun talked to one another. Even if they did, it was just small talks regarding their work. They only saw each other at practice, Renjun sneaking glances at the other when he had the chance. Jaemin would laugh whenever one of the members made a joke, but his expression quickly turned unreadable whenever he caught Renjun's stare. 

Renjun knew he did this to himself, but he couldn't help but felt like he wanted the ground to swallow him whole just so he could see Jaemin smile at him again.

"I've been meaning to ask you about this before but I didn't know when the right time would be. Why aren't you and Jaemin talking to each other?" Donghyuck questioned Renjun when they were taking a break. Renjun took a glance at Jaemin who was talking to Mark on the other side of the room, before looking back at his friend.

“We do talk to one another, didn’t you see me talking to him just now?”

“I am not blind, you dipshit. I know you guys talk when it is work related, but what I meant was that why do I rarely see you guys spend time together? Like how you usually did before?”

“No idea. We are busy, I guess, so, less time?”

“That would be a possible answer if I actually saw both of you make time for one another like you guys did before, but I don’t anymore.”

“We are both busy, Hyuck. Can we please drop this topic?” Renjun begged, he really didn’t want to talk about it as he was afraid he would burst into tears at any moment. Donghyuck sensed the anxiety and desperation in Renjun’s voice, so he knew better than anybody else not to press his friend further. 

“Alright, fine.” They dropped the topic immediately, both of them were just trying to enjoy the short break they had. “Renjun.”

“Yeah?”

“You do know that you can talk to me about anything, right? We aren’t supposed to keep secrets from each other.” Donghyuck tried to persuade Renjun to talk, knowing full well it wouldn’t do them any good because Renjun would talk when he wanted to. 

“And you know that I will talk to you about it, right? Just not now.” Renjun gave Donghyuck a small smile, assuring Donghyuck that he will do so soon. 

“Okay, break time is over, kids. Let’s get back to work, shall we?” Their manager called out, making all of them get ready to start their practice session. Renjun put away his water bottle in his bag, took one last glance at Jaemin’s back before taking his microphone.

He knew he fucked up a lot of things, but he would never let himself fuck up his own career over a problem that may or may not be permanent.

***

_To : Jaemin_

_I am so sorry, please forgive me. I didn’t mean at all to hurt you in any possible way, I didn’t even know why I said those words. I am so so so sorry, please forgive me. I miss you so much, I miss your laugh, I miss your voice. I am sorry that I couldn’t control my jealousy over the person you like, and that I hurt you because of my stupid feelings. Please don’t leave me again, I beg you._

Renjun was so close to press the send button, but he had no strength in him to do so. He ended up deleting everything he had typed, switched off his phone and curled himself into a foetal position before he cried himself to sleep. 

Renjun dreamt of Jaemin staring at him, the other’s eyes filled with sorrow and pain. Renjun tried to call his name, but his voice didn’t come out. He watched Jaemin leave, every single muscle in Renjun’s body ached to run after him, but he couldn’t move from his spot.

The dream made Renjun wake up from his sleep with a scream, his cheeks wet with tears, his body was shaking and his heart beating faster than usual. Renjun saw his bedroom door opened, and in came Donghyuck. He didn’t say a word, all he did was climb up the bed and settle next to Renjun, holding him close. Renjun cried harder into Donghyuck’s shoulder as he felt Donghyuck ran his fingers through Renjun’s hair. 

Donghyuck held him the whole night, no questions asked. And for that, Renjun was thankful.

***

The day of the comeback finally came. All of them were anxious for the music video and the album to be released, hoping that their fans would love their new creations. All of them gathered together in the meeting room where they first met each other, waiting until the clock struck 6pm for the music video to be uploaded onto Youtube so that they could watch it together for the first time. 

When it was finally 6pm and the new music video was being played, there were oohs and aahs heard, compliments thrown around and amazement in their eyes. They read the comments that were flooding in, pride blossoming in their chest when their fans praised their music and talked about how much they loved the boys’ appearance in the music video. 

“Okay guys, this calls for a celebration! We deserve it!” Mark’s suggestion received agreements from everybody. They all collectively agreed to go to the restaurant that Jeno suggested them, a restaurant that serves mouth-watering pork belly everybody favoured. Their managers booked a place at the restaurant and once everything was settled, they made their way to the restaurant.

When they arrived at the restaurant, they were seated at a large table that fit all of them. Various kinds of food was served on the table, making their stomachs growl. Before they dug in, each of them did a congratulatory speech, thanking every single one of them for their hard work and dedication. The night was filled with laughter, yummy dishes, and not to forget, alcohol. 

Renjun wasn’t a lightweight when it came to alcohol, and neither were Mark and Jeno. Therefore, Renjun found it amusing how his friends were really drunk off their asses, he had a good laugh too when he saw Donghyuck and Chenle had a battle to determine who was better at hitting high notes.

The biggest problem for Renjun was Jaemin. The boy wouldn’t stop clinging to him, calling Renjun by his nickname and whining about how much he missed Renjun. He also wouldn’t stop pleading at Renjun to stay with him tonight, saying that he needed Renjun’s cuddles or he would die. Mark and Jeno laughed at Jaemin’s act, but Renjun wasn’t able to laugh along because Jaemin was making his heart race with his antics.

The dinner came to an end, and Renjun, Mark, Jeno and their managers were responsible to make sure that everybody got home safely. Another issue arose when Jaemin wouldn’t let go of Renjun and begged his manager to let him stay with Renjun. 

“Would you let him stay with you, Renjun?” Jaemin’s manager asked Renjun who was guiding a drunk Chenle into their van. Renjun looked over the manager’s shoulder at Jaemin who was talking to an amused Mark. If it was up to Renjun, he wouldn’t let Jaemin stay over, but according to Mark, Jaemin would get really annoying when his drunken wishes weren’t granted, so god knows when they’d be able to go home if he said no. 

“Yeah sure, he can stay.” At that answer, the manager smiled widely and thanked Renjun for easing his work. He went to fetch Jaemin and handed him over to Renjun, who awkwardly held Jaemin close to him to avoid the other from falling. Renjun helped Jaemin get into the van before climbing in behind him. He closed the door and his manager started to drive home.

“Jaemin, try not to fall asleep on me because I swear to god you are really heavy and I am too small to carry you to bed.” Renjun tried to persuade the half conscious Jaemin as they walked into his and Donghyuck’s shared house. His manager had helped Donghyuck to get into his bed, bidded goodbye to Renjun and wished him good night.

As soon as both of them reached Renjun’s room, Renjun gently placed Jaemin on his bed and tried to take a breath. Renjun helped Jaemin take off his shoes and jacket, placed the items on a chair in the room and covered Jaemin’s body with a blanket. Then, Renjun went to the bathroom to clean himself up. He washed his face and changed into his pyjamas quietly, trying his best not to wake Jaemin up from his sleep. After he was done, Renjun plugged his phone to a charging dock, and took a spot on the bed next to Jaemin.

Renjun remembered the times when they were kids, Renjun loved looking at a sleeping Jaemin. He felt a certain kind of peace when he looked at the other’s sleeping figure. Renjun adored the way Jaemin’s eyelashes would rest on his cheeks, the way Jaemin’s breath was even and the way Jaemin’s bangs fell onto his face. Renjun wanted to push the hair away, but he was quick to stop himself because he knew that despite Jaemin being clingy to him just an hour ago, they were both still had an unresolved issue and Renjun is a person who respects boundaries.

Renjun thought it was best for him to sleep on the couch in the living room so that Jaemin could have the bed all to himself tonight, but before he was able to stand up, he felt Jaemin’s hand around his wrist. “Injunnie? Where are you going?”

“Shh, go back to sleep, Nana. I am going to sleep on the couch outside.” Renjun tried to pull his hand away from Jaemin’s grip.

“Noooo, stay here, please?” Jaemin patted the spot next to him sleepily, his whines getting louder when Renjun refused. “Injunnie, please?”

Jaemin’s whines and iron-like grip around his wrist left Renjun with no choice, so Renjun gave in and got under the blanket with Jaemin. He laid a little further away from the other, but Jaemin closed the distance and pulled Renjun into his arms. Jaemin wrapped his arms around Renjun’s torso, tangled their legs together and placed his face on the crook of Renjun’s neck. Jaemin let out a sigh before he fell asleep again. 

Renjun on the other hand was surprised and he seriously didn’t know what to do. He wanted to pull away, but Jaemin’s hold around him was strong and he was also exhausted to the bones to put in any effort. He just let Jaemin be, and closed his eyes to let sleep take over him. 

That night, Renjun dreamt of an old playground, and he found himself looking down at two smaller boys playing in a sandbox joyfully, big smiles etched on both of their faces.

***

Renjun woke up to an empty bed, Jaemin was nowhere to be found. He sat up in his bed and took his phone to check the time. It was 6am and it was too early in the morning for him to start doing anything, considering they had the day off. 

He was contemplating to either go back to sleep or text Jaemin to ask where he was, but then the door to his room opened and Jaemin walked in. Both of them froze in place, words stuck at the back of their throat. They knew they had to confront the elephant in the room, but none of them knew how. 

“I went to your kitchen and had a glass of water, sorry for not informing you first.” Jaemin explained himself, which earned only a nod from Renjun. 

“Renjun.” Jaemin called out. “Can I talk to you about something?” Renjun patted the spot in front of him on the bed softly, wanting Jaemin to be close to him. 

Jaemin took his place where Renjun wanted him, and without wasting any time, he started talking. “About last night, I’m so sorry for what I did. I know we are not actually on good terms after what happened before and I don’t think I even have the right to do something like that since you said that we are just two people who work together.” Jaemin smiled gloomily. “And since the album is already released, I believe that makes us just two people who once worked together. I really wish things were different because honest to god I really want to have you back as my friend. I’m not blaming you or trying to play the victim card because you have every right to cut me off after what I did back then. I promise that after this I will not be standing in your way anymore. Thank you so much for giving me a chance to redeem myself for what I have done. I hope you will take care of yourself and stay healthy. I will always pray for your success and happiness, because you deserve all the good things in life.”

Renjun saw Jaemin’s eyes turning red and watery, causing his heart to ache. Renjun didn’t want Jaemin to leave, he needed the other to stay with him like how they promised one another when they were little. _Do something!_ Renjun’s mind screamed. _It is now or never._

“I’m going to call Mark to pick me up, so I’m gonna head out first and wait for him outside, okay?” 

Renjun was quick to grab onto Jaemin’s hand before he was able to get up from the bed. Jaemin was confused, he wanted to ask Renjun if he was okay but he panicked as soon as he saw Renjun crying. “Injun? Hey, what’s wrong?” Renjun cried harder at the question. It was difficult for him to speak because everything felt like they were crushing on him and he couldn’t do anything. 

“Injun, calm down please, breathe baby.” The pet name slipped out, but Renjun didn’t notice it and Jaemin didn’t realise that he said it either. “Slowly, Junnie. Take a breath.” Jaemin stroked Renjun’s hand with his thumb softly, hoping to calm him down. 

It took Renjun a few minutes to feel better and having his cries turn into small sobs. Jaemin still wouldn’t let go of his hand and kept on comforting him with consoling words. _He is too good for me._ Renjun thought in his head. 

“Jaemin.” 

“Yes?”

“I owe you an apology.” Jaemin wanted to object, but Renjun cut him off. “I am sorry for lying to you. I lied when I said you are annoying. I lied when I said we are just two people who work together. You were never annoying, and I was never tired of you. You are my best friend, you always have been. I swear I didn’t mean any of the words I said to you when you confronted me. I let my emotions got the best of me and I ended up hurting you.”

Renjun took a deep breath before he continued his rambling. “I was jealous. I was stupidly envious of the person you have a crush on because you wouldn’t stop talking about him. I hated it because I felt like that person had all your attention. I was mad too because I’ve always been here in front you yet you still couldn’t see the signs that I like you as more than a friend. I wanted to get rid of my feelings for you but you were always around which made it hard to forget about it, so I tried to stay away from you. It didn’t work out because you still kept on trying to talk to me. Then I said those things to you, and now- I mean, I get it if you’re the one who doesn’t want to have anything to do with me because I’m the one who—”

“Alright Huang Renjun, I’m gonna have to stop you right there.” Jaemin’s gentle yet firm voice managed to hold Renjun back. Renjun saw that Jaemin was looking at him with a befuddled look, but there was a hint of delight hidden in it. 

“Let me get this straight. You like me but you were jealous of my crush, which made you say those words to me without actually meaning them?”

“Wait, did I just tell you I like you?” Renjun was the one who panicked next. _Fuck this was not how I am supposed to confess, what the fuck._

“Yeah you did, when you were rambling.”

“Fuck.” Renjun pulled his blanket above his head, embarrassment taking over him. He was so mad at how his brain-to-mouth filter didn’t work before and now Jaemin knew about his feelings. “Please forget about it, Jaemin. It doesn’t concern you.”

“No I won’t.” Jaemin said as he pulled the blanket away from Renjun. “Renjun, please, listen to what I’ve got to say.” Renjun gave in at Jaemin’s words and pulled down the blanket just enough to reveal his eyes. Jaemin’s kind smile calmed him down a little, but he was still uneasy of what the other had to say. 

“All this time, I swear I’ve been in love with you. I was literally describing you whenever I talked about my crush, yet you were the one who didn’t seem to get it. I wanted to confess to you earlier, but you ruined it when you said you were tired of me.” 

“Fuck off, Jaemin, this isn’t funny.” Renjun can feel his eyes started to tear.

“No I’m fucking not, Renjun. I would never joke around when it comes to my feelings for you.”

Renjun started to cry again, but this time, Jaemin pulled him into his lap and hugged him tight. Renjun hid his face in the crook of Jaemin’s neck, his body shaking extremely. Jaemin ran his fingers through Renjun’s hair and waited for him to calm down. Jaemin’s heart broke at the thought of Renjun crying, but he knew it was for a good reason. 

“Are you feeling better, Injunnie?” He felt Renjun nodded. 

“Can we stay like this for a while, please?” Renjun asked, and Jaemin granted his wish. They stayed like that for a few more minutes, basking in each other's presence. 

“I am so stupid.” Renjun murmured, but loud enough for Jaemin to hear. 

“You are not, you just didn’t realise it, and I didn’t either. Safe to say we are both idiots.” Renjun let out a small laugh at that, and pulled back so that he can look at Jaemin’s face. 

“My idiot.” Those words made Jaemin blush, but his smile didn’t leave his face. Renjun put his hand on Jaemin’s cheek, and Jaemin leaned into the touch. “I love you, Renjun. I am not lying to you nor am I joking with you.”

“I know, Jaemin.” 

Renjun leaned in closer until their lips were just inches apart, and it was Jaemin who closed the distance. The kiss was magical for both of them. It made them feel all the longing, all the love and all the feelings they have had for each other that were kept hidden for years. 

Renjun felt Jaemin smile into the kiss, and pulled back. “Why are you smiling?”

“I can’t believe it took us this long to realise we have feelings for each other.”

“But now here we are.” Renjun caressed Jaemin’s cheek, and Jaemin gave him a content smile.

“I love you so much, Injun.”

“I love you more, Nana.”


End file.
